Faith

Today my mom had her bone marrow biopsy. We don't have any news yet but are anxiously awaiting. I am my moms youngest daughter. She is my confidant, my best friend, my cheerleader, the spoiler of my children, the person I call when times are hard, happy, frustrating.. you name it and my mom is there. To say this has been hard to witness is an understatement. I found this quote the other night and no truer words were ever written,

"While there are many things you can do to help a loved one in need, there are some things that must be done by the Lord.” –Richard G. Scott

I have often asked my husband throughout this month why when we know God is in charge, that His plan is the best, and that He loves us, do I fight it so hard? But no matter how much I care for my mom and worry and help her it all comes down to the Lord and His plan. I have come to believe and have faith that He is completely in charge of my mom. I find great peace in this knowledge, even though the fear is still hiding there too. I love what my moms cousin Virginia wrote... 

EXPECT A MIRACLE

and that is exactly what I will do.

Love,

Amanda

Music

I wanted to share a special note on moms behalf. Before mom got sick she served in the primary in her ward. She absolutely loved that calling.  She loved seeing the kids every week, and she especially loved the music they sang.  The sweet chorister in her ward, Jennifer, made a CD for mom this week.  It contains several songs from her primary kids.  I was able to take a CD player up to her tonight, and when the music started playing mom had tears in her eyes.  Those sweet voices brought a light to her eyes that I hadn't seen in a long time.  We both commented on how much the kids sounded like little angels.  I am so grateful to Jennifer for taking the time to think of mom.  What a special way to bring her closer to the children she loved to serve. 

Love, Jenn

Prayers

I wanted to make moms friends and family aware that we are having a fast for her tomorrow.  She has another bone marrow biopsy this week, and we are fasting and praying for her to receive good results.  Please think of mom as you have your own fast tomorrow.  She needs all the prayers she can get. Our family is so appreciative of all the love and support mom has received over these past few weeks. 

Wow! Time goes so fast.  Mom has been in the hospital for a month now.  While life has gone on for all of us, mom has been stuck in the hospital fighting for her life.  I find myself thinking about her often as I go about my daily routine.  I went to Sams Club yesterday and thought about how much mom likes shopping there.  When something exciting happens with my kids I find myself reaching for the phone to call mom. Over these past few weeks, I have realized how important mom is to all of us.  She is such an important part of all our lives.  We NEED her to get well.

After we found out about her cancer, I talked with several other people I know who have fought the disease themselves.  I have heard many things about how hard chemo is.  The nausea, the rashes, the pain.  When you hear about it, you feel bad, but you don't really understand until you have been there. I can honestly say that I had NO IDEA how horrible cancer can be.  My mom has an extremely difficult case.  She has had kidney problems, liver problems, gall bladder problems, eye problems, swelling, rashes, pain, fatigue, etc., etc.  Many people have no idea how sick she really is.  That is one of main reasons she hasn't wanted visitors in the hospital.  She has no strength to talk, and she just feels horrible. It has been agonizing to watch her endure so much.  This disease has truly brought her to the depths of hell and back.  And yet, she has fought it with dignity, strength, and courage. I am in awe of my mother. I told her the other night that I thought she was brave.  She is so brave...I cherish our visits, and have learned so much about her during this time. 

When my sisters and I each leave the hospital from our visits, we call each other to report on her status.  We worry so much both mom and dad.  These conversations are good for all of us.  Mom has always told us how lucky we are to have each other. She was right!  As horrible as this time has been for us, we have learned how to lean on each other, take care of each other, and make each other feel better when times are especially tough. Thank goodness for family.  That has always been moms dream.

As we begin a new month, my hope for mom is that she can begin to get her strength back, have good results from the bone marrow biopsy, and most importantly, get out of that hospital and come home.  Before I left tonight, I told her that as soon as she gets home, she is getting pedicure.  She deserves it!

Wishes

I cant believe it is almost the end of January. Its gone by fast but at the same time it feels like an eternity. When the nurses recognize you and talk to you like an old friend its not a very good sign! I have been reluctant to write for awhile because to be honest the past week and a half has been terrible, horrible, nightmarish, etc. I didn't want to depress everyone and further depress myself! The doctor told my dad that my mom has had almost every single side effect you can possibly have with chemo. The side effects are not uncommon, but to have almost every single one... she has really had a rough go of it. I visited with my mom last night and things were significantly better. Her swelling had gone down remarkably and she just seemed like my mom again in a way. She is still so very weak, and so extremely tired. She is fighting one hellish battle, and I am amazed by her strength. Watching her go through this has made me change so many things in my life. It has made me want to be more determined at accomplishing goals, it has made me be less selfish, and it has taught me to be a little kinder and more patient with my children because I have realized what an IMPACT being a Mother really has on, well, everyone.

So the game plan is.... seeing that really HOT nurse Eric again (kidding), helping my mom get though these next couple a days while the chemo sets in. She received her last dose of Chemo on Monday January 27th. On Tuesday February 4th they will do another bone marrow biopsy. Now this is a BIG one. This will kind of determine the course of the future with this. We are having another family fast this Sunday February 3rd on behalf of my mom and this bone marrow biopsy. We invite anyone and everyone to be apart of it. All of your prayers and thoughts mean so much,

so..... Thank You, truly.

 I love this picture of my mom and me. The way she is looking at me, its like I can feel her love for me. I'm so blessed to have it.

This next picture is of my daughter Annabelle. It was her 3rd birthday on January 27th. After she blew out her #3 candle I happily asked "what did you wish for?" and she immediately replied "my grandma and grandpa" and then told me that she missed them. What a big part of all our lives my mom and dad are, and oh how we love them!!!

Love, 

Amanda

Memories of Grandma

Last night I had to honor of spending some time alone with mom.  She is in the middle of what has been a long and difficult week of treatment.  Due to the chemo, she has had new side effects, these are treated with drugs that have more side effects, and then treated again.  It is a vicious cycle, but we have seen some positive results. Our family has seen many miracles over the course of the past few weeks.  We have faith in the Dr.'s and know that they have a plan that fits best for her type of cancer.  Mom's worry is that the grandkids will only have memories of her being sick.  I tried to assure her that they will remember all of the wonderful things she has done for them. And we also have faith that she will be able to get well, and hopefully, go on and enjoy many more years of life here on earth.

As I drove home from the hospital I started thinking about all of the wonderful things my mom has done for her family, and her grandkids.  I remember that she cooked Sunday dinners for us for years.  Even after I was married, and had children of my own, she always had dinner for us.  Week after week. No matter how much work they were, she never failed.  Planning, cooking, and cleaning for us.  I have always felt that those family dinners are one of the reasons why our family is so close.  Mom has always been willing to help out caring for the grandkids.  She has attended dance recitals, soccer games, piano recitals, and school performances. She never forgets a birthday.  Even planning special family birthday dinners every month of the year.  I can hardly remember a week when she didn't have at least one or more kids over to tend.  She and my dad watched the grandkids on weekends so we could go out, and even kept them for several days in a row while we were on various vacations.  She also planned sleepovers for the kids to enjoy time with their other cousins.  Every year she planned parties catered towards the grandkids for Valentines, Easter, Fourth of July, Halloween and Christmas. She and my dad have taken us on countless family vacations, spent time in St. George and Midway, and just this past November took us all to Disneyland for the third time.  I have had many friends comment over the years on what an amazing woman my mother is.  Even more, as a grandma, her love and devotion are unparalleled. 

What an incredible legacy. Love jenn

Moms Boyfriend

Last night I was able to spend some time visiting with mom.  Do to a miserable cold, I hadn't seen her for over a week.  When I arrived in her room, I noticed immediately how much this disease has aged her.  She is beautiful, but fragile.  Her hair is now falling out.  She has a rash on her hands and body, mouth sores, dry mouth, and her poor feet are so swollen they look like sausages.  She is really sick.  As I spent some time walking around the 8th floor, I started looking at the other patients that are there.  The doctors really encourage each of them to go on walks at least twice a day.  The 8th floor is divided into two wings.  East and West.  Mom is on the east wing.  The patients in her wing have a walking path mapped out. In order to avoid contamination, each patient is required to wear a respirator, gloves, and gown before they leave their rooms.  This uniform makes it easy to distinguish the "sick ones".  I have seen both men and women of all ages while out walking with mom.  The patients almost always have someone with them. Usually another family member.  We always look at each other and smile as we pass in the hall.  I often find myself wondering about these other families.  I find myself thinking, "I'm sorry you are here." "I know how hard it is to watch someone you love suffer with this horrible disease." 

The one thing every patient always has is their IV pole.  Each of these poles contains a variety of medications.  Most common are chemo, potassium, blood, platelets, Lasix, and moms latest addition, liquid nutrients. Mom's cute nurse has named the IV pole her "boyfriend."  The boyfriend goes everywhere with mom.  The bathroom, the shower, the bed, the chair, her walks, etc.  On busy days, the boyfriend can have as many as 10 different attachments.  Even though he might get on her nerves, I am thankful that mom has one. I am attaching a picture of moms boyfriend.   This picture was taken a few days before she lost her hair.

Poison

Last night I took my daughter Caroline with me to the hospital to visit Irene.  I knew that Irene's chemo was really bad this week and that she was going to be very tired and sick.  That still did not prepare me to see her going through such suffering.  Just keeping her eyes open and speaking was taking all the strength she had.  Chemo is a poison that is effecting every part of her body. And yet, she is still filling her role of grandmother as she tried to find a show for Caroline to watch and made sure to find her a treat.  Eating these past few weeks has been difficult for her, but she did have a bite of a warm chocolate chip cookie, and was even up for some news about the kids report cards, lessons, and a former Ute player making an appearance on Ellen.  We stayed a very short time and I realized how hard it is to stand helplessly aside and watch someone battle through so much physical pain.  I want to help more, do more.  

I remember many times after I have had surgeries, and babies, that Irene was there for me.  I  vividly recall a time when I sat on my couch nursing my son Thomas while she dusted and cleaned my home.  Another time, she drove me to my Doctor's appointments when my delivery recovery was so slow and guarded my newborn  in his car seat from the germs of strangers. Lastly, I recall a time Irene hired a cab to pick her and me up at my house and drive us to the Utah/BYU football game, as I was recovering from surgery and she didn't want me to have to walk too far.  (The Utes won by the way!) Irene has welcomed me into her family from the beginning with so much love, generosity and acceptance.  I just hate watching her go through this.  But as I shared this with her, we pray for her daily.  Our youngest, Jonathan, says the sweetest little prayers that go something like this, "Dear Heavenly Father, we know Grandma Rene (he says weenie)  has cancer.  Please bless her to get better, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."  Thank you all for praying with us. 

Love
Michelle Barrus