Flashbacks

I think with any devastating news you expect the typical emotions of sadness, anger, and frustration.  I have experienced them all these last few days. What I didn't expect, what has surprised me the most are the flashbacks, memories popping up at random times.  I find myself doing things in my daily life that are exactly as my mom did when I was young.  I opened the freezer and instantly had a memory of walking in the kitchen to see frozen food on the counter as my mom defrosted the freezer.  As I cleaned my house today I thought of how my mom relishes in cleanliness.  My kids were eating gummy bears and I thought of my myself along with my friends in my living room eating endless amounts of gummy bears and reading people magazine. I even told my little boy today that "life was not fair" and could hear my mom saying it along with me.  As my kids ran in the door from school, threw their backpacks in the middle of the floor and yelled "hi mom, I am home!"  I recalled saying those same words, only to turn around and run back out with friends, needing to hear her say "hi" back before I could leave again.  All of these thing she did, I am now experiencing as a mother.  I am realizing the deep impact she has had on my life.  I once read a quote that said "All that I ever am or hope to be I owe to my mother."  I owe all that I am to my mother.  She is kind, wonderful, stubborn and the most caring woman I know.  Today's visit was good. Mom was in good spirits and looks better than I have seen her in awhile.  She began her first round of chemo tonight so we will see how her body tolerates it and they will adjust things accordingly.  So far, she is taking all of this with amazing grace and dignity.  If only we could do something about the blue Christmas tree in the hall. She really doesn't like it and the sight of it irritates her when she passes it every time she goes for a walk. Christmas is over, its time to move on, right?
Love,
Liza