One week ago today I received a call that I will never forget. When I saw mom's name on the caller ID, I remember having all the thoughts of my normal day to day routine going through my head. Work, kids, house, etc. When she spoke I knew immediately that something was wrong. "Jenn, I am on my way to the hospital. The doctor called and said that she "thinks" I have leukemia." (I knew that a doctor would never tell a patient that they "think" it might be cancer unless they were nearly certain it was.) There I was standing in a store up at the outlets in Park City. The kids and I had planned to enjoy our last few days of the holiday break. Hailey and Alex must have seen me start to sob. They both came running over began trying to console me. It was the most surreal feeling.
All at once nothing mattered anymore. The bills, the laundry, the dishes in the sink...all of those things meant nothing because my mom had cancer. I remember calling Liza and Amanda saying...I don't know what to do...what do I do??? We can't go on without her. Then I felt bad that I hadn't gone to see her earlier in the week. I wondered how I didn't know how sick she was. How could I have been so selfish? I cried myself to sleep that night wondering if life as we had known it would ever be the same.
Over the next few days I was reminded of the strength and power of family. How lucky I am to have such amazing sisters, sister in law and brother. Mom always says how grateful she is that we have each other." Not to mention my dad. Words cannot begin to express how much I love and admire him. He has been with mom every step of the way. Never leaving her side. He is so selfless. He takes such good care of her. It makes me so happy to see them together. What a great blessing. I also began to think about my children. I wondered what would happen if I got sick. Who will take care of them? I really need to take better care of myself. On Sunday we had a family fast. It was an amazing day and a great spiritual experience for our family. I will never forget looking at Amanda, trying to be the supportive big sister, saying "You are stronger than you think. You will be okay." She looks at me with tears streaming down her face and says, "I'm not stronger that you think. I won't be okay. I can't live without her." Secretly I know that Matt, Liza and I felt the same way too.
Flash forward to a week later. I woke up this morning feeling so excited because I knew that right after work today I was going to head up to the hospital and see mom. On the 8th floor...the leukemia floor at LDS hospital. Wow...how quickly can life change? I have missed her so much this week. I can't wait to see her and tell her everything!
Love, Jenn
Jenn I felt all those same emotions. I keep saying to Rob, I should have helped her more, I should have brought her more meals, I should have realized how sick she really was, I should have.... everything. Mom is right, we are so blessed to have eachother. We have already witnessed miracles in this fast flying week. We can do this!
ReplyDeleteYou've heard the expression: "LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHILE YOU'RE MAKING OTHER PLANS"....
ReplyDeleteI'm sure this is what the entire Barrus Family is really feeling and what I heard Jennifer just saying.
Recently, I had a front-row seat as my best friend was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and went thru Chemo. Almost 2 years later, she is back loving life and valuing it in way that I cannot fully appreciate. I suppose that is a trade-off to the physical trials that she endured.
Hang in there IRENE & FAMILY and know that all of us Cousins are praying and rooting for you!
Luvs, CHRISTENA (& BILL)