To the Beginning of a new end

It has been four weeks since our last post.  These four weeks have been more difficult than any of us could have possible imagined.  We left the hospital knowing the end was soon.  My mom was given a time frame of a few days, maybe a few short weeks.  She made it four weeks.

These weeks were a time of love, service and sacrifice.  We each had the amazing opportunity to serve our mom, to give a little of our time to help her.  My dad was amazing.  Never was there a more amazing example of true love as my dad.  He never left my moms side during this entire journey.

We spent the weeks crying, laughing and talking together.  She held her grandchildren, sang them songs and read them stories.  She organized drawers, ironed, did laundry and ate her favorite foods.  She remained fiercely independent until the last week of her life.  We were there every step of the way, listening to little life lessons.  Things she wanted us to accomplish, expectaions for our future and the reasons we made her proud.

My mom was an amazing woman.  She prepared us for life.  She was never afraid of death. She had a unbelievable testimony of the plan of salvation.  She was excited to see her mom and dad again.  She loved life, her family and the gospel.  And in the end that is all we take with us. 

Now we are left with aching hearts that are constantly being healed one piece at a time by acts of service from each one of you.  Every day a kind note, text or email.  A fresh meal. Some baked goods.  A hug.  Each small and simple act, healing a little bit of our hearts.  I don't think that words can adequately express our appreciation to each of you.  Just know that we love you.

Irene's journey was quite unexpected.  On January 2th 2014 she was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia.  On March 7th 2014 she returned to her heavenly father.  Our lives will never be the same, we will forever have a piece of our heart missing.  Until we meet again, we will always think of you with each sunset, football game and family dinner. 

The game of life

Life is a game of sorts. In my moms game, she has played with all her heart.  She has had so many cheerleaders that cheered along the way.  She has had tremendous coaches to give her the plays necessary to play the game.  Her fans have been here cheering for their favorite team.  But…with heavy hearts, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.

The results of the biopsy are in and the cancer is winning.

With this news, we are going home, getting some rest, watching the sunset and leaving the rest of this game of life in the hands of the Lord.

No one ever knows how the game of life will turn out, I guess all we can do is play the best we can and see what happens.  My mom is a fighter, she has fought this horrible disease with dignity, grace and determination.  She has played the best game of her life.

Love,

Liza, Amanda, Jennifer and Matt

Hope for a better tomorrow

As I sit here next to my mom, I watch her drift in and out of consciousness. She is receiving bags of blood and platelets.  She looks so peaceful, the feeling in her room is so peaceful. She is so tired, so weak, so frail. Everything is a huge effort. Everything is exhausting.

We are still waiting for results from the bone marrow biopsy she had done yesterday.  For now we continue to watch and wait. We are watching for her gall bladder, kidneys and liver to start working properly, and for her bone marrow to start producing good white blood cells. We are waiting for miracles to come, the miracle that her body will do what we want it to, for her to start feeling better.

We are on about day 33 of this journey.  It seems like forever ago when the blue Christmas tree adorned these halls. Now we look at the numerous cards that fill the walls of her room. Those cards are special, they bring hope and joy to my mom.  When mom first got here she was sick. When they started the chemo we knew she would be even more sick. But, even knowing that, I don't think that we were prepared for this horrific journey. Mom has really been through the ringer. Her belly is black and blue from all of the shots of various medications. Her mouth is so dry and full of sores.  Her feet are swollen and covered in rashes. Her head is bald. Her skin is so thin it is painful to touch. You name the side effect, it seems as if mom has had it. It's pretty heart wrenching to see someone you love in so much pain. Even with all of that, my mom is still here, she is still fighting and she is always so gracious when we come to visit.

Each time I come, I send my dad home to rest.  Before he leaves my mom and dad share a very tender moment. I have noticed it each and every time. This moment where they say goodby for the night with a sweet kiss and a look that I am sure means hope for a better tomorrow.  This is a memory I will cherish forever.
Liza

Faith

Today my mom had her bone marrow biopsy. We don't have any news yet but are anxiously awaiting. I am my moms youngest daughter. She is my confidant, my best friend, my cheerleader, the spoiler of my children, the person I call when times are hard, happy, frustrating.. you name it and my mom is there. To say this has been hard to witness is an understatement. I found this quote the other night and no truer words were ever written,

"While there are many things you can do to help a loved one in need, there are some things that must be done by the Lord.” –Richard G. Scott

I have often asked my husband throughout this month why when we know God is in charge, that His plan is the best, and that He loves us, do I fight it so hard? But no matter how much I care for my mom and worry and help her it all comes down to the Lord and His plan. I have come to believe and have faith that He is completely in charge of my mom. I find great peace in this knowledge, even though the fear is still hiding there too. I love what my moms cousin Virginia wrote... 

EXPECT A MIRACLE

and that is exactly what I will do.

Love,

Amanda

Music

I wanted to share a special note on moms behalf. Before mom got sick she served in the primary in her ward. She absolutely loved that calling.  She loved seeing the kids every week, and she especially loved the music they sang.  The sweet chorister in her ward, Jennifer, made a CD for mom this week.  It contains several songs from her primary kids.  I was able to take a CD player up to her tonight, and when the music started playing mom had tears in her eyes.  Those sweet voices brought a light to her eyes that I hadn't seen in a long time.  We both commented on how much the kids sounded like little angels.  I am so grateful to Jennifer for taking the time to think of mom.  What a special way to bring her closer to the children she loved to serve. 

Love, Jenn

Prayers

I wanted to make moms friends and family aware that we are having a fast for her tomorrow.  She has another bone marrow biopsy this week, and we are fasting and praying for her to receive good results.  Please think of mom as you have your own fast tomorrow.  She needs all the prayers she can get. Our family is so appreciative of all the love and support mom has received over these past few weeks. 

Wow! Time goes so fast.  Mom has been in the hospital for a month now.  While life has gone on for all of us, mom has been stuck in the hospital fighting for her life.  I find myself thinking about her often as I go about my daily routine.  I went to Sams Club yesterday and thought about how much mom likes shopping there.  When something exciting happens with my kids I find myself reaching for the phone to call mom. Over these past few weeks, I have realized how important mom is to all of us.  She is such an important part of all our lives.  We NEED her to get well.

After we found out about her cancer, I talked with several other people I know who have fought the disease themselves.  I have heard many things about how hard chemo is.  The nausea, the rashes, the pain.  When you hear about it, you feel bad, but you don't really understand until you have been there. I can honestly say that I had NO IDEA how horrible cancer can be.  My mom has an extremely difficult case.  She has had kidney problems, liver problems, gall bladder problems, eye problems, swelling, rashes, pain, fatigue, etc., etc.  Many people have no idea how sick she really is.  That is one of main reasons she hasn't wanted visitors in the hospital.  She has no strength to talk, and she just feels horrible. It has been agonizing to watch her endure so much.  This disease has truly brought her to the depths of hell and back.  And yet, she has fought it with dignity, strength, and courage. I am in awe of my mother. I told her the other night that I thought she was brave.  She is so brave...I cherish our visits, and have learned so much about her during this time. 

When my sisters and I each leave the hospital from our visits, we call each other to report on her status.  We worry so much both mom and dad.  These conversations are good for all of us.  Mom has always told us how lucky we are to have each other. She was right!  As horrible as this time has been for us, we have learned how to lean on each other, take care of each other, and make each other feel better when times are especially tough. Thank goodness for family.  That has always been moms dream.

As we begin a new month, my hope for mom is that she can begin to get her strength back, have good results from the bone marrow biopsy, and most importantly, get out of that hospital and come home.  Before I left tonight, I told her that as soon as she gets home, she is getting pedicure.  She deserves it!

Wishes

I cant believe it is almost the end of January. Its gone by fast but at the same time it feels like an eternity. When the nurses recognize you and talk to you like an old friend its not a very good sign! I have been reluctant to write for awhile because to be honest the past week and a half has been terrible, horrible, nightmarish, etc. I didn't want to depress everyone and further depress myself! The doctor told my dad that my mom has had almost every single side effect you can possibly have with chemo. The side effects are not uncommon, but to have almost every single one... she has really had a rough go of it. I visited with my mom last night and things were significantly better. Her swelling had gone down remarkably and she just seemed like my mom again in a way. She is still so very weak, and so extremely tired. She is fighting one hellish battle, and I am amazed by her strength. Watching her go through this has made me change so many things in my life. It has made me want to be more determined at accomplishing goals, it has made me be less selfish, and it has taught me to be a little kinder and more patient with my children because I have realized what an IMPACT being a Mother really has on, well, everyone.

So the game plan is.... seeing that really HOT nurse Eric again (kidding), helping my mom get though these next couple a days while the chemo sets in. She received her last dose of Chemo on Monday January 27th. On Tuesday February 4th they will do another bone marrow biopsy. Now this is a BIG one. This will kind of determine the course of the future with this. We are having another family fast this Sunday February 3rd on behalf of my mom and this bone marrow biopsy. We invite anyone and everyone to be apart of it. All of your prayers and thoughts mean so much,

so..... Thank You, truly.

 I love this picture of my mom and me. The way she is looking at me, its like I can feel her love for me. I'm so blessed to have it.

This next picture is of my daughter Annabelle. It was her 3rd birthday on January 27th. After she blew out her #3 candle I happily asked "what did you wish for?" and she immediately replied "my grandma and grandpa" and then told me that she missed them. What a big part of all our lives my mom and dad are, and oh how we love them!!!

Love, 

Amanda

Memories of Grandma

Last night I had to honor of spending some time alone with mom.  She is in the middle of what has been a long and difficult week of treatment.  Due to the chemo, she has had new side effects, these are treated with drugs that have more side effects, and then treated again.  It is a vicious cycle, but we have seen some positive results. Our family has seen many miracles over the course of the past few weeks.  We have faith in the Dr.'s and know that they have a plan that fits best for her type of cancer.  Mom's worry is that the grandkids will only have memories of her being sick.  I tried to assure her that they will remember all of the wonderful things she has done for them. And we also have faith that she will be able to get well, and hopefully, go on and enjoy many more years of life here on earth.

As I drove home from the hospital I started thinking about all of the wonderful things my mom has done for her family, and her grandkids.  I remember that she cooked Sunday dinners for us for years.  Even after I was married, and had children of my own, she always had dinner for us.  Week after week. No matter how much work they were, she never failed.  Planning, cooking, and cleaning for us.  I have always felt that those family dinners are one of the reasons why our family is so close.  Mom has always been willing to help out caring for the grandkids.  She has attended dance recitals, soccer games, piano recitals, and school performances. She never forgets a birthday.  Even planning special family birthday dinners every month of the year.  I can hardly remember a week when she didn't have at least one or more kids over to tend.  She and my dad watched the grandkids on weekends so we could go out, and even kept them for several days in a row while we were on various vacations.  She also planned sleepovers for the kids to enjoy time with their other cousins.  Every year she planned parties catered towards the grandkids for Valentines, Easter, Fourth of July, Halloween and Christmas. She and my dad have taken us on countless family vacations, spent time in St. George and Midway, and just this past November took us all to Disneyland for the third time.  I have had many friends comment over the years on what an amazing woman my mother is.  Even more, as a grandma, her love and devotion are unparalleled. 

What an incredible legacy. Love jenn

Moms Boyfriend

Last night I was able to spend some time visiting with mom.  Do to a miserable cold, I hadn't seen her for over a week.  When I arrived in her room, I noticed immediately how much this disease has aged her.  She is beautiful, but fragile.  Her hair is now falling out.  She has a rash on her hands and body, mouth sores, dry mouth, and her poor feet are so swollen they look like sausages.  She is really sick.  As I spent some time walking around the 8th floor, I started looking at the other patients that are there.  The doctors really encourage each of them to go on walks at least twice a day.  The 8th floor is divided into two wings.  East and West.  Mom is on the east wing.  The patients in her wing have a walking path mapped out. In order to avoid contamination, each patient is required to wear a respirator, gloves, and gown before they leave their rooms.  This uniform makes it easy to distinguish the "sick ones".  I have seen both men and women of all ages while out walking with mom.  The patients almost always have someone with them. Usually another family member.  We always look at each other and smile as we pass in the hall.  I often find myself wondering about these other families.  I find myself thinking, "I'm sorry you are here." "I know how hard it is to watch someone you love suffer with this horrible disease." 

The one thing every patient always has is their IV pole.  Each of these poles contains a variety of medications.  Most common are chemo, potassium, blood, platelets, Lasix, and moms latest addition, liquid nutrients. Mom's cute nurse has named the IV pole her "boyfriend."  The boyfriend goes everywhere with mom.  The bathroom, the shower, the bed, the chair, her walks, etc.  On busy days, the boyfriend can have as many as 10 different attachments.  Even though he might get on her nerves, I am thankful that mom has one. I am attaching a picture of moms boyfriend.   This picture was taken a few days before she lost her hair.

Poison

Last night I took my daughter Caroline with me to the hospital to visit Irene.  I knew that Irene's chemo was really bad this week and that she was going to be very tired and sick.  That still did not prepare me to see her going through such suffering.  Just keeping her eyes open and speaking was taking all the strength she had.  Chemo is a poison that is effecting every part of her body. And yet, she is still filling her role of grandmother as she tried to find a show for Caroline to watch and made sure to find her a treat.  Eating these past few weeks has been difficult for her, but she did have a bite of a warm chocolate chip cookie, and was even up for some news about the kids report cards, lessons, and a former Ute player making an appearance on Ellen.  We stayed a very short time and I realized how hard it is to stand helplessly aside and watch someone battle through so much physical pain.  I want to help more, do more.  

I remember many times after I have had surgeries, and babies, that Irene was there for me.  I  vividly recall a time when I sat on my couch nursing my son Thomas while she dusted and cleaned my home.  Another time, she drove me to my Doctor's appointments when my delivery recovery was so slow and guarded my newborn  in his car seat from the germs of strangers. Lastly, I recall a time Irene hired a cab to pick her and me up at my house and drive us to the Utah/BYU football game, as I was recovering from surgery and she didn't want me to have to walk too far.  (The Utes won by the way!) Irene has welcomed me into her family from the beginning with so much love, generosity and acceptance.  I just hate watching her go through this.  But as I shared this with her, we pray for her daily.  Our youngest, Jonathan, says the sweetest little prayers that go something like this, "Dear Heavenly Father, we know Grandma Rene (he says weenie)  has cancer.  Please bless her to get better, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."  Thank you all for praying with us. 

Love
Michelle Barrus 

Its working!

I just spoke with my dad and he asked me to post a little update regarding moms treatment.  Mom's oncologist gave us the results of her latest labs.  It appears that the chemo is working.  As of today there is no trace of leukemia in her body.  That doesn't mean that this fight is over...not by a long shot.  It does mean that the treatment going as the doctors had hoped.  These nasty cancer cells can hide in different parts of the body.  The brain, the spinal column, etc.  While this latest news is fantastic, the doctors will continue moms treatment in the hospital as planned for the next few weeks.  After that, the plan is to continue with out patient treatment which could go on for up to three years.  At this point we have to take things day by day.  We do know that prayers are being answered.  The road is long, but today has brought a bit of relief if only for a little while.
Love, Jenn

True Beauty

Well, it's happened. Chemo has leashed it's nasty claws deep into my moms body. The effects are everywhere from severe sickness, dry mouth, sores and hair falling out. This cancer is a wicked beast but my mom is still handling it with courage and strength. Last night Amanda and I helped her shave her head.  My mom shed just a few tears, she was stronger than us, she was the one who kept us positive. But in the end, she looks beautiful.  Sometimes in this crazy world it's so easy to forget ones true beauty.  When you are with someone who's body is tired and weak, their true beauty and spirit are easily recognizable. My mom is amazing, beautiful and a woman I admire and hope to be like one day.

She was very worried about how she would look with her new doo so I took some pictures and broght them home to my kids.  Oliver was thrilled beyond belief because I told him that he could shave his head to match Grandmas.  His exact words were "bou ya, now I can shave my head."  Then the true test came and I showed the picture to Charlotte, my 2 year old. I handed her the picture and immediately she brushed her hand on it and said "hi, grandma" she had been walking around carrying it all morning talking to grandma.  She passed the ultimate test, we all know kids don't lie, they tell the honest truth. You are still you mom!

While we were on our walk, we passed a new patient being admitted to the 8th floor.  My mom and I talked about how it was 2 1/2 weeks ago that she was the new patient.  When she first arrived the doctors said that without treatment she had about 2 weeks to live.  Mom, the treatment is working, it horrible and hard, but this treatment has given me, and all us 2 1/2 weeks with you. 
Even though this cancer is effecting my moms entire body, she is still my mom, an amazing, beautiful and strong woman. We can do this mom, there 14 little blessings waiting to see you again.

I am writing this post on behalf of my mom. She has been very concerned about the fact that she hasn't been answering any texts or calls as of late and she wanted me to explain why. This weekend has been pretty rough, well worse then that. She has a fever and an infection that they aren't sure exactly what it is from. She feels absolutely terrible. Its been heartbreaking to watch. But she is thankful for your prayers and messages and wanted me to let you know. This weekend was right smack in the middle of her treatment plan for the month and we knew it was going to be a really low point. Even though we all knew it, its still just is the worst.
Love,
Amanda

Thomas

Rob and I were able to go spend Friday evening with my mom and dad. And just a quick note, if you are planning a visit dress for 95* weather, it is HOT! As Liza has mentioned there is a great peace in her hospital room. Not long after my mom had first been diagnosed I had a conversation with a doctor at Primary Children's Hospital. The subject of families came up and I told him about my mom being diagnosed with cancer. This doctor does not know my mom but he looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me that only very special people were called to fight that battle and that my mother must be an amazing woman. I will never forget that.

The past three days have been really hard. I am trying to take them one day at a time because the future is too overwhelming. My mom gave me another of her writings to share. Oh how I love these!

 

My father, Thomas Anthony Valle,  was 59 years old when his wife, my mom died. Suddenly it was just the two of us. My brother Tom was married & living Southern California. I don't think dad cleaned out her closet or drawers for years. He dated many nice women but he never remarried. I wished he would have but now I get it.
Gary and I have four children, Jennifer born in 1972, Matthew Thomas, born in 1977, Elizabeth (Liza) born in 1975 and Amanda, born on my birthday March 1983. Our four children were his only grandchildren. He was an amazing grandpa. He took our family on summer trips, Sun Valley, Jackson Hole & Colter Bay, St. George & Coronado Beach in San Diego. He worked to create memories for his grandchildren. When the children were older he took each on a individual trip with him. Jennifer went on a cruise, Matt, to Hawaii for a week, Liza's went with grandpa on a church history tour and Amanda went on a cruise.
Tom Valle was an amazing cook!! His family immigrated from Italy so of course we ate pasta. His heritage was Catholic/Italian but dad converted to the LDS church when he met my mom at the U. He was one of nine children. Dad and his sister Rose helped support his mother & sisters after his father left his mother for another woman. He never had wealth but worked hard is whole life and provided for his family.
Dad's spaghetti and meat sauce was unmatched. His cheese rolls with bacon are lore in our family. Grandpa Tom made memories for his grandchildren and they think of him all the time. I think the memories of his driving techniques are the best.
My dads biggest fear was being a burden to us. He was always so independent. He could not bear the thought of having anyone take care of him. When he turned 89 years old he was diagnosed with Non_Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He asked the doctor to keep in comfortable and let him go. My brother Tom and I were not good with that!! We took him to Huntsman Cancer Institute and they said his cancer could be treated but he was adamant that he had had a good life & was ready to "go". Tom took fantastic care of him for four months. I helped, but nothing compared to Tom. He died at home August 8, 1999.

I was terrified of getting cancer when I was a young mother. What mother isn't if they think about it and I thought about it all the time! I thought about all the things my mom had missed dying so young. I grieved that my kids did not have a grandmother who thought the world revolved around them, that each of them was the greatest child ever. I knew my mother would have been a loving involved grandma. Because worrying is so productive, I wasted way too much time on something I could not change or have any control over. As our children grew I started praying that I would live to be a grandma. I wanted to be the grandmother I knew my mom would have been. As the years flashed by and I was still here, I could imagine the possibility that I would have grandchildren. My sincere prayers have been answered. Fourteen of the most amazing souls have blessed our families lives. What joy they are. Alexandra 17, Hailey 16, and Jacob 13, belong to Jennifer Nielsen.   Matt & Michelle Barrus have Thomas 9, Caroline 7 and Jonathan who is almost 5. Liza & David Bridge are parents to Grace 12, Hannah 9, Oliver 8, Emmaline 5 and Charlotte 2.  Amanda and Rob Robinson round out the family with Ellie 6, Annabelle 3 and Henry who is 8 months!  These are the loves of our lives!! I feel my prayers have been answered, that I have lived my greatest dream of knowing & loving these angels! Gary is a fantastic grandpa who tends, changes diapers, picks up from school and leads fishing expeditions. Life has been very good. Gary worked very hard his whole life and has made it possible for us to provide many memory making opportunities for our family. From St. George to Deer Valley, Sun Valley, Jackson hole, Disneyland & the beach we have experienced it together as a family. Hopefully there will be more to come. But no matter what happens to me, I have lived my dream and thank my Father in Heaven for that!

Of course I would get cancer! Unfortunately that seems to be what we get. I am grateful my cancer is treatable. I feel blessed to have amazing doctors who've  dedicate their genius to the treatment of leukemia and lymphomas. I pray I respond well and that remission is achievable. I also know that I am in God's hands!  I have felt the prayers and faith of so many family & friends it really is humbling and unbelievable.

Our children set up a schedule where they come to the hospital one night a week. Gary & I have loved this time with them. So, as much as cancer "sucks", we have seen many tender mercies from our Heavenly Father.

Popcorn

Due to my sisters illness, I had the opportunity to leave all of the craziness of life behind and visit a place that has become somewhat of a sanctuary.  I got to go visit my mom in her peaceful hospital room and spend the evening talking with her, helping her and feeling the spirit that dwells within her room.  I never thought I would look forward to spending my evenings in a hospital room, yet I do, and it has become a place that I enjoy visiting.  I do however leave my crazy brood of children at home and actually have the chance to visit without being interrupt; something that is a rare occasion for any mother and I am sure adds to my excitement when I leave.  I walked into her room with a bag of freshly popped popcorn, one of my moms favorite treats.  I don't think there has ever been a time that we have visited grandma's house without a bag of popcorn being popped.

Our visit was long and quiet.  Sometimes mom closes her eyes and rests for a bit but always seems happy when she wakes up that I am still there.  The effects of chemo are beginning to take a toll on her body.  She is not feeling well,  her feet are extremely swollen, she has some itchy rashes and often feels cold.  As my dad said "If it gets any warmer in this room, I may need to start wearing a swimsuit."  I, on the other hand quite enjoy the warmth of her room during these cold January nights.  Her platelets are at what they think may be one of there low points so they are giving her body a few days rest until her next chemo.

We spent a long time looking at a catalogue of wigs.  This is not something that she needs just yet but you can never be to prepared for the twists and turns of life.  I myself had no idea there were so many options when it came to wigs.  There are so many styles and colors, so many under caps for added comfort and so many soft beenies.   I circled a few that were long, red and curly but I think she may go for a little more conservative approach.  We will see if she listens to my opinion, afterall she did deem me the best patient shopper, a challenge I accepted with honor.

She is fighting this thing with all she has.  Her doctors are pleased with the way she is responding to the chemo, yet there is still a very long road ahead. She is so appreciative of everything everyone has done for her and my dad.  I myself cannot wait until I can give her a hug, there is to great a risk for germs so for awhile "I love you will have to do."

Tonight I spent a relaxing evening visiting with my mom and dad. When I walked in the room cheerful voices greeted me, we talked about the day and how everyone was. It was almost easy to forget why we were there. And then the sweet nurses came to check on my mom. Yep she has a fever, her hands and legs are still red from reactions to the chemo, small blisters are coming and going, a small mouth sore has manifested itself, achy body, etc, and I remember my mom is REALLY sick. And she is handling it all so gracefully. Even though she really was not feeling good AT ALL! If I could only handle the problems of my life with such grace...

 These are the bottles they have to fill with blood samples when my mom gets a fever, ALL of them, to check for bacteria or infection. CRAZY!

Even though my mom is sick her doctor is very happy with how well her body is handling all of her treatments. I see very clearly the Lords hand in this. It is one of many of our little, but really BIG miracles.

My mom and my ever faithful Dad

Going through this has really changed my perspective on humanity. It has truly opened my eyes to how GOOD people are. Not only does my mom have nurses, doctors and friends who have been such amazing angels to her, we as her family do too. Thank you for the phones calls, visits, for watching my children, for giving advice, the notes of encouragement, for praying, and fasting. The love and support has made me see how good people really are. Thank you for that.

Love,

Amanda

Cheerleaders

Anyone who has dealt with the big "C" would have to say that cancer sucks! I don't think that there is a better way to phrase such a statement.  Yet we are so blessed to live so close to amazing hospitals, particularly the 8th floor of the hospital that deals specifically with Leukemia. The nurses are so amazing. They are almost like extended family. Coincidentally there are quite a few named Lindsay or Whitney so it's pretty easy to take a wild guess at their name. Those dear nurses laugh and talk with us like they are one of the sisters. One even said she wanted to hang out with us all night because we were so cool, that made me feel good, to know that someone thought I was cool.  We talk about interesting subjects ranging from Downton Abby to Juan Pablo. They explain the various bags hanging from my moms latest pole accessory, like the orange juice looking substance feeding into her arm which are really blood platelets. They answer endless questions, get anything we need and calm our fears.  They share in the little steps and cheer on the small victories.  They are my moms cheerleaders, little angels who are always there even when we can't be, they are amazing. At the main nurses station they have lined up all of the beautiful flower arrangements that are not allowed in my moms room. They place them there so that on the walks the patients can have something pretty to look at. I commented last time I was there that maybe they could get enough flowers to hide the Christmas tree, I think they understood this time and the tree has since left the premises.  We are still working on the lights.  Today was a pretty good day.  She was in good spirits and excited to see her grandson. He thought the hospital was super cool, after walking away with candy and a milkshake.  We were able to find some shoes that fit her swollen feet, and took them out for a test walk.  My mom is fighting this battle with great strength. I admire her and love our visits. Her room is so peaceful and calm, it is a place that oddly enough brings me comfort. Although the big "c" really does suck, I myself have already felt some amazing blessings through this trial and am so touched by all of my moms cheerleaders.
Liza
Sent from my iPhone

Blanche

This beautiful post was written by my mom. As she read it to me, tears streamed down my face. In all of my 36 years I have never heard her say so much about her mom. We have always know how tender the subject of the death of her mom was.  She really cannot mention her name without getting teary eyed. Even my sweet Grandpa, although proposed to by several of his lady friends, never could remarry because of the deep love he had for my Grandma. I have heard little stories about my Grandma here and there but never has my mom spoken so freely of this amazing woman.  I cannot wait for the day that I will get to meet my Grandma Blanche Richards Valle. 

            I don't think there is anyone who's life has not been touched by cancer. Mine certainly has. When I was 16 my mother, Blache Richards Valle, was diagnosed with breast cancer. Breast cancer was not talked about then.  Fifty years ago there were no early detection or preventative mammograms that I recall. My mom fought the brutal cancer war for five years. My mom was my WORLD. She was my best friend, greatest cheerleader and most wonderful woman God ever created. My brother Tom and I were blessed to have her for a mother.  Surely, he would not take her from us, especially me, because I could NOT live without her! She never thought she was special, but she was much more that that. She was an unbelievable cook, baker, seamstress, knitter, second grade school teacher, wife and friend in the world. God would not take this woman from our family, would He? My father said,"No, He wouldn't!"  As sick as I knew she was, my dad said she would get better. Because I wanted to believe it so much, I did. But two weeks after I became engaged to Gary, she died on August 26, 1968. It was as if she held on long enough to know that I would be OK before she let go and ended her suffering. Gary and I were married four months later on December 13, 1968.  Gary didn't know my mom but has always spoken of her with a sweet reverence and respect.  I have often realized how unusual this is considering he did not ever know her when she was close to being well. I have loved him for that.  So, she died and I didn't really have a choice but to "live" without her. But how? No mother at my wedding, no one to ask for advise, no one to teach me how to make homemade rolls, no one to cry to after 3 years of infertiliy. No mom to say, "it will be ok" or "I promise" as only a mom can. Or as she would have! But the most heart breaking of all to me was no "grandma" when blessings from heaven arrived. After 45 years, I still grieve the loss of my beloved mother. To this day, I cannot talk about her without crying. It's crazy. But I lived and as I look back at my life I know she has been by my side. I have never had a vision of her or heard her voice out loud,  but her spirit has wispered to me through the Holy Ghost, all my life. I think it has taken me many, many years to recognize that. Even though she has not been here physically, her influence and great love have always, always been with me.

Love,
Irene

Saturday

Today is Saturday.  I know that weekends at the hospital are quiet and a little boring.  I thought it might be nice if I took my daughter Hailey with me to see mom.  Hailey has been so worried about her grandma and really wanted to visit. When we walked in the room I could tell that mom wasn't feeling too great. She has started having some reactions to her chemo.  Body aches, fever, peeling skin and swelling especially in her feet.  Even though I know she feels awful, she always greets me with a smile.  Selfishly I wanted to talk to mom about my week and ask her advice on some of my day to day challenges.  We went for a walk around the unit but I could tell that she just didn't have much energy.  According to the nurses, the fact that mom is having reactions to the medication is good.  This means that they are working, and her body is starting to produce the good red blood cells that she needs to survive.  As awful as cancer is, I am grateful that mom is in such an amazing hospital.  The doctors and nurses are wonderful, and I know that they are taking great care of her.  Even though our visit was short, I am grateful that I was able to see her.  I am starting to realize what a long road lies ahead for mom.  It makes me sad.

Love, Jenn

What a difference a week makes

One week ago today I received a call that I will never forget. When I saw mom's name on the caller ID, I remember having all the thoughts of my normal day to day routine going through my head.  Work, kids, house, etc.  When she spoke I knew immediately that something was wrong.  "Jenn, I am on my way to the hospital.  The doctor called and said that she "thinks" I have leukemia."  (I knew that a doctor would never tell a patient that they "think" it might be cancer unless they were nearly certain it was.)  There I was standing in a store up at the outlets in Park City.  The kids and I had planned to enjoy our last few days of the holiday break. Hailey and Alex must have seen me start to sob.  They both came running over began trying to console me.  It was the most surreal feeling. 

All at once nothing mattered anymore.  The bills, the laundry, the dishes in the sink...all of those things meant nothing because my mom had cancer.  I remember calling Liza and Amanda saying...I don't know what to do...what do I do??? We can't go on without her.  Then I felt bad that I hadn't gone to see her earlier in the week.  I wondered how I didn't know how sick she was.  How could I have been so selfish?  I cried myself to sleep that night wondering if life as we had known it would ever be the same. 

Over the next few days I was reminded of the strength and power of family. How lucky I am to have such amazing sisters, sister in law and brother. Mom always says how grateful she is that we have each other."  Not to mention my dad. Words cannot begin to express how much I love and admire him.  He has been with mom every step of the way.  Never leaving her side.  He is so selfless.  He takes such good care of her.  It makes me so happy to see them together.  What a great blessing.  I also began to think about my children.  I wondered what would happen if I got sick.  Who will take care of them?  I really need to take better care of myself.  On Sunday we had a family fast.  It was an amazing day and a great spiritual experience for our family. I will never forget looking at Amanda, trying to be the supportive big sister, saying "You are stronger than you think.  You will be okay."  She looks at me with tears streaming down her face and says, "I'm not stronger that you think.  I won't be okay. I can't live without her."  Secretly I know that Matt, Liza and I felt the same way too.
Flash forward to a week later.  I woke up this morning feeling so excited because I knew that right after work today I was going to head up to the hospital and see mom.  On the 8th floor...the leukemia floor at LDS hospital. Wow...how quickly can life change?   I have missed her so much this week. I can't wait to see her and tell her everything!

Love, Jenn

I am writing this as I sit next to my mom while she receives her second dose of chemotherapy. I have always been afraid of the thought or even the word chemotherapy, but as I watch my mom I am amazed at the peace and quite that surrounds us. My mom is amazing. Her pain is down from a 10+ last week to a 1 tonight. She is laughing and joking. We talk about grandchildren, sports, family, even gossip a bit about movie stars. I love this time with my mom. Thank you everyone for your love and support each day. My parents and us kids have awesome friends who are helping us all fight this battle. I guess I need to say thank you chemotherapy. Although you still scare me I am so thankful for fighting for my mom.

Love,

Amanda

Ps: The blue Christmas tree has left the building!

Flashbacks

I think with any devastating news you expect the typical emotions of sadness, anger, and frustration.  I have experienced them all these last few days. What I didn't expect, what has surprised me the most are the flashbacks, memories popping up at random times.  I find myself doing things in my daily life that are exactly as my mom did when I was young.  I opened the freezer and instantly had a memory of walking in the kitchen to see frozen food on the counter as my mom defrosted the freezer.  As I cleaned my house today I thought of how my mom relishes in cleanliness.  My kids were eating gummy bears and I thought of my myself along with my friends in my living room eating endless amounts of gummy bears and reading people magazine. I even told my little boy today that "life was not fair" and could hear my mom saying it along with me.  As my kids ran in the door from school, threw their backpacks in the middle of the floor and yelled "hi mom, I am home!"  I recalled saying those same words, only to turn around and run back out with friends, needing to hear her say "hi" back before I could leave again.  All of these thing she did, I am now experiencing as a mother.  I am realizing the deep impact she has had on my life.  I once read a quote that said "All that I ever am or hope to be I owe to my mother."  I owe all that I am to my mother.  She is kind, wonderful, stubborn and the most caring woman I know.  Today's visit was good. Mom was in good spirits and looks better than I have seen her in awhile.  She began her first round of chemo tonight so we will see how her body tolerates it and they will adjust things accordingly.  So far, she is taking all of this with amazing grace and dignity.  If only we could do something about the blue Christmas tree in the hall. She really doesn't like it and the sight of it irritates her when she passes it every time she goes for a walk. Christmas is over, its time to move on, right?
Love,
Liza

Finding out your mom has cancer is the worst. I am trying to find the words to adequately describe the pain, anger, and sorrow we all feel but I cant. It is too much, too great. But what I can do is tell you that MY MOM is BRAVE, she is STRONG, and she CAN DO THIS.

If anybody can do this its her.

Irene has Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. It is the most common type of cancer in children but it is extremely rare in adults. In the entire united states there are only about 3000 adults with ALL, and since 2006 only about 80 adults in Utah have been treated for it. In children ALL has a 90% success rate. Amazing right? In Adults its around 70%.  Why the difference? For some reason children respond better to treatment. But we are truly blessed to live in a state where my mom can be a part of the Dana-Farber study. She is 1 of 30 people in the country, and she is number 30. These doctors have devoted their lives to finding a cure. We are so blessed. She has 7 doctors diligently caring for her. Treatment begins Monday January 6th. It is aggressive and hard, but SHE CAN DO THIS.

Thank you so much for all of your prayers, calls, texts, etc. It gives my mom and dad strength, and we love you for it.

"Strength isn't something you have. It is something God helps you find. And usually you have to find it one day at a time"

Love,

Amanda